Lessons from the Valley: The "S" Word: Biblical Submission- When Sin Skews God's Design

Wherever people abuse the order God has established for any sphere, the problem does not stem from flaws in God's plan, but from humanity's sinful distortions of it. -Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Adorned

What if My Husband is Not Living a Life of Obedience to Christ?

As a wife, I am not my husband's Holy Spirit. Someday my husband will be held responsible for how he lived his life and led our family, just as some day I will be held responsible for how I have lived mine. All husbands are called to be the spiritual leader of their families, just as all women are called to submit to their husbands.

In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives... This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They put their trust in God and accepted the authority of their husbands. -1 Peter 3:1-2, 5

We are called to accept the authority of our husbands regardless of whether we agree with their decisions. Ideally, our husbands would consider our thoughts and feelings with much prayer and seeking of God's will before making decisions that affect the family. However, this is often not the case. Sometimes as a wife the best thing we can do is gently and respectfully share our hearts, then surround the situation and our husbands with prayer. This is especially hard when our personal convictions and preferences are challenged, but we have to trust that God knows what He is doing, even if it seems that our husbands do not.

For God called you to do good, even if it means suffering, just as Christ suffered for you. He is your example, and you must follow in His steps. He never sinned, nor ever deceived anyone. He did not retaliate when he was insulted, nor threaten revenge when He suffered. He left His case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly. -1 Peter 2:21-23

I can attest to the frustration and powerlessness that can overcome a wife who is seeking to please God in her marriage by respecting the authority of her husband. At these times, it is important to keep the promises of God close to our hearts. We serve a God much bigger than ourselves, and it is in Him that we put our trust. The struggle can be great, but the reward is greater than we could ever imagine.

And this principle can be applied to any woman whose husband is not being obedient to the Word of God. When a woman denies the natural urge to resent her husband or retaliate against him, when she runs to the cross instead of running her mouth, when she maintains a gentle and quiet spirit and steadfastly hopes in God, regardless of her husband's behavior- that is no splineless, mousy, whimpering puddle of dominated femininity. That is a woman of power. -Nancy DeMoss Woglemuth, Adorned

What if My Husband Wants Me to Sin?

First and foremost, our life's commitment is to follow Jesus Christ. His rule over our life supersedes any misuse of authority by our husband, especially when it affects our relationship with God. Not only do you have permission, but you have an obligation to go against the authority of your husband if he is asking you to commit a sin.

By no means am I saying that your husband's authority is not valid in other areas of your life, and this definitely is not a green light for ending the relationship. There is nothing biblical that allows wives to disrespect, dishonor, or divorce husbands who are unbelievers or husbands who are not walking in obedience to Christ. However, the Bible makes it very clear that God comes first in your life. (Acts 4:12, Deuteronomy 6:5)

Your ultimate allegiance and loyalty are to Christ. If your husband abuses his God-given authority and requires of you something that is contrary to the Word and will of God, you must obey God rather than your husband.

However, my observation from listening to many wives in difficult marriages is that often their struggle is with being led in a way they don't prefer to go or just don't think is best, rahter than in a way the Bible and conscience forbid. It's important to distinguish between the two in responding to a husband's direction. -Nancy DeMoss Wogelmuth, Adorned

Submission is Not Abuse

Many people view submission in a negative light because of the ways it can be misconstrued. Submitting to our husbands does not give him the authority to abuse us in any way, shape, or form. Occasionally, women who seek to honor God and follow His commands fall prey to abuse in their relationship. This misuse of authority goes against the original intention of God's plan for our families.

Whenever women are instructed in Scripture to submit to their husbands, there is a corresponding command for husbands to love and cherish their wives. There is no possible justification for a husband to abuse his wife, whether in overtly physical or verbal ways or in more "respectable" types of manipulation and intimidation- what one pastor calls "polite abuses."

If you are being abused (or suspect you are being abused), you must get help. There is nothing in the biblical teaching on submission that permits such treatment. If you (or your children) are being physically harmed or threatened, you should get to a safe place and contact both civil and spiritual authorities for protection.

I also understand that too often the concept of submission has been used as an excuse and cover for bullying or for a kind of spineless acquiescence. We should not turn a blind eye to such situations. Depending on the nature and severity of the circumstances, perpetrators need to be confronted and held accountable for their behavior, and those on the receiving end need to receive compassionate counsel and practical relief. -Nancy DeMoss Wogelmuth, Adorned

Biblical suffering should be expected when we submit to our husbands. In a marriage relationship, we often have to put our spouse before ourselves and sacrifice our selfish desires for the relationship. This kind of suffering is normal and necessary as we navigate a relationship between two sinful human beings. However, sometimes legitimate, biblical suffering and illegitimate misuse of authority can be confused. If you aren't sure that your marriage relationship is appropriate, first and foremost ask God to open your eyes to any kind of abuse or mistreatment you may be experiencing. After you have sought God's heart, seek out the advice of a trusted friend or older woman. They will be able to provide invaluable insight and support as you navigate your marriage relationship as well as other aspects of your life.

Keeping Things in Perspective

We live in a fallen world. Much of what God had meant for good has been twisted into shades of evil, and the marriage relationship is no different. Although the concept of submission can be misused, in it's intended form it is a beautiful picture the relationship between God's people and Himself. (1 Corinthians 11:3) As believers, we have an obligation to educate ourselves regarding God's design and intention for submission, then put what we have learned into practice.

If you are a younger woman, I strongly encourage you to seek out an older, more mature woman to come alongside you as you journey through life's mountains and valleys. Having the insight and perspective of a seasoned believer to encourage, challenge, and accompany you is one of the most valuable things you could ever have. If you are an older woman, I urge you to consider walking alongside a younger woman and sharing your experiences with her. Help her navigate this sinful world and show her what it looks like to live a life pleasing to God. And if you're younger or older and are interested in what it looks like to live life alongside other women, I highly recommend Nancy DeMoss Woglemuth's book, Adorned, which I quoted throughout this blog.