In God's Hands
Surviving and Thriving in a Difficult MarriagePart III of a multi-post series: Life on Life
“Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.” - Hebrews 10:24
“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” -Proverbs 27:17
Life is not meant to be lived alone. As beings created in God’s image, we were made for fellowship with one another. It is important for believers to have relationships with other believers. Not only does this foster friendship, but it provides accountability and encouragement towards living a godly life.
The book of Titus chapter 2 talks about older men teaching younger men, and older women teaching younger women. I wholeheartedly feel that every believer should have an older, wiser, godly person in their life. Likewise, every believer should also have a younger, less experienced believer in their life. These relationships foster discipleship in its most natural form, and there is no better way to learn or to teach than through the lessons of life itself.
As believers, we are called to be set apart, to be holy. Although this does not mean that we cannot be in the world, we are not to be of the world. It is perfectly fine, and even good, to have friendships with non-believers. There is no better way to witness to another person than by inviting them into your world so they can see firsthand the workmanship of Jesus in your life.
However, it is crucial that we have friendships and develop relationships with other believers. There is so much about our lives that non-believers just cannot relate to. It would be unfair and impractical to expect a non-believer to support us and hold us accountable in ways that only a fellow believer could. We need other believers in our lives to provide mutual support and encouragement, to hold one another accountable, to pray for one another, and to live life on life with each other.
Friends our own age and in a similar life path are important, but there is also importance and value in fostering relationships with others that have already walked the life path you are on. If you currently don’t have an older, wiser believer in your life, I would encourage you to seek someone out. (Males should seek out male relationships and females seek out female relationships. This helps avoid temptation, maintain integrity, and is good practice in all areas of your life.)
Keep in mind that we all have our faults and flaws. No one is perfect, including your potential mentor/support person. What is most important is their relationship with God and how their daily life reflects this relationship. This person should be someone you respect, who shares many of the same values as you, and who you feel would both encourage and challenge you.
Once you have someone in mind, it would be beneficial to speak with them and ask if they would consider mentoring or discipling you. (Different churches and cultures use different terminology.) Be clear about your expectations and what you feel you need, including a time commitment and levels of accountability or learning. Give them room to think and pray about it, and the freedom to decline.
Mentoring someone, especially someone with a troubled marriage, has the potential to consume an enormous amount of time and energy. No matter how great a person might be, if they don't have the time or energy to invest, the relationship will not provide the level of support you are looking for. If your first choice is not available or declines, don't write them off completely and try not to take their decision personally. They might not be able to dedicate the time or energy needed for a mentoring relationship, but they may be willing to pray for you or help in other ways.
As far as mentoring someone younger, you probably aren't currently at a place in your life where it would be prudent to take on a younger believer to mentor, and that’s okay. Seasons of turmoil are often not the best time to take on that kind of responsibility in a relationship. Keep in mind, however, that you can still start to develop friendships with younger believers. Once you are ready to become a mentor to someone, it will be much easier and more natural that way.
Just as individuals should seek out other individuals, so should couples seek out other couples. If your marriage is troubled (and even if it isn’t), I highly recommend seeking out a more experienced, biblically solid couple to develop a relationship with. If your spouse is willing to participate, be sure to pick a couple that you both can relate to and are comfortable with.
As you all begin to foster a relationship and live life together, you will naturally pick up on things that they do well (or not so well), how their relationship works, and you will be able to discuss challenges in your relationships as they arise. What this looks like ultimately depends on the couples involved, and it can be as casual as dinner and light conversation or as serious as a Bible study or conversation addressing current issues within your marriage.
Build Your Circles
One of the first things a counselor does when working with individuals is to determine what a person’s current struggles are and the level of support they have. When going through tough situations, the quality of a person’s support system is crucial. Many counselors will first focus on encouraging their clients to develop relationships with trustworthy, biblically sound, wise people before addressing topics that may be difficult or distressing for the individual.
During my marriage crisis, I noticed that I had various circles of support. My inner circle, or core circle, consisted of three people that knew everything. They were the people I called or texted at all hours of the day, the people I spent the most time with, the people I vented to and cried with, and the people from whom I sought wise counsel and encouragement. I knew that these people were walking closely with the Lord, they would tell me the truth in love, they wanted the best for both me and my marriage, and that I could trust them with anything.
A core circle doesn’t have to be large. In fact, it’s better if it is small. There is a level of accountability and consistency when you have a smaller scope of support. For me, my core circle involved people that I had previously established relationships with. They had been involved in my life and my marriage before things started getting tough.
Be prepared for your core circle to see you at your worst. It can be hard to be so completely vulnerable, but when your marriage is on the line there is no room for pride. People can’t help you or speak into your life if they don’t know the truth, or if you aren’t willing to listen. Transparency and humility are key ingredients when it comes to seeking the advice or wise counsel of others.
Beyond the core circle, the outer circles of people will provide support in varying degrees. The further out from the core circle, the less informed and involved they are. For me, my inner circles included close friends, family, and support groups, while the outer circles included co-workers, other friends, and people from church.
In the midst of a difficult marriage, it can be tempting to involve more people than necessary. There is a deep desire within all of us to justify our actions, to clarify rumors, or to gather support on our "side" of the issue. As tempting as this could be, it isn't healthy for you or anyone else. Most people that know you also know your spouse, and it is best for all involved to keep things as contained as possible.
Reach Out
As you look at what kind of support you have, you may be discouraged. Maybe you don’t have a mentor or close friend that can walk by your side. Perhaps you are a new believer and don’t have godly influences to turn to. If this is the case, I highly encourage you to seek out help. Don’t try and navigate a difficult marriage alone. If you attend church, reach out to your pastor or a church leader to see if they know of individuals or resources that could help.
Regardless of whether you already have a support system or are looking for additional support, I highly recommend attending a support group of some kind. I have attended both Celebrate Recovery and Divorce Care, both of which would be greatly beneficial to someone experiencing difficulties in their marriage. The best part about these kinds of support groups is that they are created and designed for hurting, broken people. There is no judgement. It doesn’t matter what has happened in your past that led you to where you are today- you will be accepted as you are.
If there are no support groups available near you, consider joining a same-sex Bible study at a local church. Even though the topic of the study may not address your needs, the fellowship certainly will be a balm to your soul. You will have a chance to meet other believers and potentially develop a few friendships.
It can be hard to put yourself out there when you are hurting, but reaching out to others is one of the best things you could do for yourself. Sometimes God meets our needs through other believers, and He can’t meet your need for fellowship and community unless you take the first step.
Inward Reflections
1. Read Titus 2:1-15. What value can you see in having an older, more mature believer in your life? Do you currently have someone like that? If not, is there someone you could start to foster this kind of relationship with?
2. What value can you see in having a more experienced couple in the life of you and your spouse? Do you currently have a couple like that? Is there a couple you could start to foster this kind of relationship with?
3. Read Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. Why is it important to be in fellowship with other believers? Is this something that is important to you? If not, what is causing you to feel this way?
4. Do you have a core support circle right now? Who are those people? If not, who can you begin to develop relationships with to develop support?
5. Is there a local support group that you could attend? How would you feel about attending such a group? Do you think it would be beneficial? Why or why not?
Additional Reading