In God's Hands
Surviving and Thriving in a Difficult MarriagePart IV of a multi-post series: Focus on You
“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” -Matthew 7:3-5
“If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall.” -1 Corinthians 10:12
No matter what a person is facing, be it car trouble or a broken relationship, it is easy to blame anyone or anything other than ourselves. Blaming others is easy. Not only does it allow us to shirk responsibility for our actions, but it gives us liberty to play the victim card.
Experiencing hard times garners much more sympathy from outsiders when we are simply victims to our circumstances. However, playing the victim to our circumstances comes with its own set of consequences. The only path to health and healing is to own our mistakes, acknowledge our part of the story, learn from it, and move on.
We can’t control the words, actions, or feelings of others. Shifting our focus onto things that are outside of our control only cause us added distress. When we make a conscious decision to focus on God and how we can best honor Him with our words and deeds, our perception of our circumstances begin to change. We begin to see things through His eyes instead of our own, and that is the best way in which to view the world.
Clean up Your Side of the Street
Many recovery programs encourage attendees to focus on cleaning up their own side of the street. Our side of the street refers to our life and what we have control over. Think of a relationship as a two-way street. You have one side, and the other person has the other side.
Streets in relationships are unique in that there is a wall of plexiglass preventing either of you from leaving your side of the street. Right between the two yellow lines dividing your streets is an invisible, impenetrable barrier. You can see the other person’s street and you can communicate about their street, but they are the only ones that can actually do anything about what is over there.
It can be very easy and tempting to point out all of the trash on their side of the street without acknowledging our own. We can be very quick to point out the candy bar wrapper blowing in the wind on their side while ignoring the multiple wrappers shoved under a bush on our side.
Jesus addresses this in Matthew 7:3-5. The speck and the log Jesus is referring to in this passage are sin issues. Clearly, the log is referring to a bigger sin issue than the speck, but just as trash is still trash, sin is still sin. How can I criticize my spouse for not taking care of his sin issues when I clearly have my own to address? Not only would that be unfair, but just as the Bible says, it is hypocritical. I don’t know about you, but sure don’t want to be labeled a hypocrite.
Remember the earlier post about being holy? That concept comes into play here. Our focus should not be on the failures of others, but on our own relationship with Jesus. As we grow deeper in relationship with Him, we will also grow in grace and love towards our spouse. We will become less focused on the trash on his/her side of the street and more focused on eliminating the trash on our own side.
We can’t force our spouse to pick up their trash, and we can’t force him/her live a holy life. What we can do is focus on living our own lives in a way that is pleasing to Jesus, to focus on cleaning up our own side of the street and trust Him to take care of the rest.
Share About Yourself, Not Your Spouse
Amid marriage difficulties, it can be easy to talk about the shortcomings of your spouse. If you find yourself speaking poorly of your spouse, stop. Regardless of what your spouse has done, they are still your spouse. Do whatever you can to refrain from thinking or speaking poorly of your spouse.
Even if things aren’t all sunshine and roses in your marriage, you are committed to a marriage with them. You are still called to respect them, to love them, and to live a life above reproach. You don’t have to lie for or about your spouse or what they are doing, but choose your words carefully. How will others view your spouse after what you say? How will they view you? Will what you say cause awkwardness or a poor view of your spouse that could continue after you have reconciled?
It is okay to share how you feel, or to tell others that you are going through a difficult time. It’s also okay to share what God has been teaching you or how others can be praying for you. However, save your vent sessions and words of frustration for your core support circle- or better yet, share them with God. No matter how your marriage turns out, you will be glad that you used discretion regarding what- and with whom- you shared.
Inward Reflections
1. Do you find yourself blaming others for your circumstances? Why do you think it is easier to blame others instead of taking responsibility for your part?
2. Read Philippians 2:4-8. What are we to fix our thoughts on? What might be some of the benefits of doing this?
3. Do you tend to focus on your spouse’s side of the street? What steps can you make to begin to focus on your own issues?
4. Do you find yourself talking poorly about your spouse in front of others? Why is it best to save the details for your core circle?
5. Read the following passages: Proverbs 13:3, Matthew 12:36-37, and Proverbs 15:28. What does the Bible say about our speech?
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